This happened the last time he was deployed. Most Caco calls come in at night. Thanks to the time difference. So I knew if anything happened I would be notified at night. One night around 4 in the morning I was awaken to my doorbell and knock. During their deployment you don't want any knock at your door during the night hours especially. At that moment I had hundreds of feelings coming through me. Do I answer it? What if? I just wanted to stay in bed and not get up. I didn't want to deal with it. Of course everything that I had envisioned as the worst case scenario was happening. Then I heard the PRE TEEN (who wasn't a pre teen at the time) get up. So I knew I had to beat him to the door. How could I let him answer the door. This wasn't the way I had planned it in my head. The kids wouldn't be around. I would tell them myself and later. Knowing that he was headed towards the door I jumped out of bed and ran to the door. Where I stood for a few seconds which felt like eternity. I was getting sick to my stomach. I knew I had to be pulled together and not lose it. The pre teen was now watching me. How was I going to do this? The way I had planned was a little different. In my plan I had a little time to lose it, then pull myself together. Alot of the time you as the mom have to be the one that knows everything. We set the tone for the kids. Losing it in front of the kids was not an option. As my doorbell rang again I knew the time had come for me to answer it. I couldn't begin to tell you the way I was feeling at that moment. When I opened the door and saw who it was finally able to breathe. The only thing I could say was "Oh it's just you". I'm sure that's not something he hears alot. It was a police officer. Then I followed with my husband is deployed and your not what I was expecting. He was nice enough to stop while on patrol to tell me to close my garage. Which at this time I would of rather he hadn't. He said your husband has alot of expensive stuff in there wouldn't want it to get stolen. And then he was gone. I had never been so happy to see a cop in my life. Now I didn't have to play out the scene in my head for the world to see. Yet those feelings that were brought out were still there. The reality of where he was and what could happen were all to real. So needless to say I didn't sleep the rest of the night. Once again I'm reminded of where he is just like that. Telling myself he's working and that's his job. Not trying to focus on anything else if I did I wouldn't be able to be a MOM.
My mom told me they were interviewing a widow of a soldier. He did not die at war but when he returned in an accident. She said the lady was very put together, not the composure she was expecting. I told her it's because in our(military wives) heads we have already acted out the worst case scenario. We already had those feeling. We already put ourselves in that situation. Sure it didn't happen while he was deployed, but she had already been waiting for the other shoe to fall off. Before they leave we always have the talk. What do you want to happen if you don't return? How do you want your service to be? What do you want to happen to you stuff? I'm sure alot of people haven't had this talk. And some if you have probably not that detailed. This is just another part of this military life, part of his job. You have to deal with the possibility of doing it alone. You have to deal with alot of emotions that you probably don't want to. You always sleep with one eye open. In return you never have a good nights sleep. Till the day they return you finally sleep.
This is just what came up and I thought about when I noticed I had slept with the garage open. I didn't think "oh I left the garage door open", I remembered that night. Then thought I didn't want a repeat performance so try harder not to leave the door open again. At least not while he's gone.
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